


Rise in the morning sun we believe in the same ideals

by justlarry



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Eating Disorders, Fluff, M/M, Marriage, Secret Relationship, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-15
Updated: 2013-09-15
Packaged: 2017-12-26 16:24:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,522
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/968084
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justlarry/pseuds/justlarry
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Louis gives in and Harry's fading away.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Rise in the morning sun we believe in the same ideals

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warning: if you are easily triggered, this isn't for you

Louis didn't know when it started to happen. When Harry began to drift away. it had been coming for a long time, Louis knew that, but now that it was happening, everything was different. it wasn't how Louis wanted it to be, it wasn't how any of them wanted it to be. Even the other three hated what it had done to them. When they were happy together, the band were happy. But Louis and Harry hadn't been louisandharry for too long and everyone had noticed, the fans included. Even the ones who didn't ship them romantically or whatever realised that they had been drifting apart recently. They sat on opposite sides of the room when they were relaxing after recording, they never cuddled together anymore, and something the other boys noticed a lot: Harry never called him Lou anymore. It was always Louis, and they rarely spoke anyway. Louis hated that they couldn't speak to each other without a fight breaking out or someone crying. But that was what it had come to. That's what the pressure pushing down on them was doing. Tearing them apart. 

~~~

Louis tried to act like he hadn't noticed Harry was getting quieter and quieter, but when there was silence in the room, it was hard to miss. Harry stared down at his worn out shoes or at his phone, not making eye contact with anyone, especially Louis. They were recording one day, Louis loved Harry recording, because it meant that he couldn't listen to his voice without being stared at. Louis had always loved Harry's voice, how the tone of it differed so much from his. But today was different. Louis sat at the mixing desk with the other three boys when Harry was in the booth. The background music started and Louis closed his eyes to listen to the angelic voice, but what he was met with was not Harry. The voice was croaky, as if he was sick. Louis looked at Harry's face and it was as if the voice and the face matched. He didn't look right; he was pale and his eyes lacked the colour Louis loved so much.  
"Harry, you alright?" The question was from Niall, but it spoke everyone's minds.  
"I'm not feeling great today, can we do this tomorrow?" Niall looked to the sound engineer pleadingly, who finally gave in.  
"Alright, but if you're not better tomorrow then we'll have to give it to Louis." Louis' ears perked up at the sound of his name. He couldn't do that. He couldn't take Harry's solos. he couldn't do Harry's solos with the same tone of voice; they were on opposite ends of the scale.  
"But there his solos-"  
"No arguing, we need this recording done by Tuesday." Louis sighed and looked up sympathetically at Harry, but Harry's eyes turned away and he was out of the room without another word. Louis turned to Zayn.  
"I can't take his solos," he whined.  
"Hey, I'm sure you won't have to, tomorrow Harry will come back better than ever." Louis tried to believe Zayn, he really did, but somewhere, deep down, he knew Harry's problem wasn't just going to go away in a night.  
The next morning Louis prayed that Harry was okay, but his hopes were crushed when Harry couldn't do it.  
"Alright then, I'm sorry Harry, but Louis is going to have to step in." Harry looked like a kicked puppy as he left the recording booth. Louis felt like crying. "Louis, we need to get this done." He sighed and got out of his chair and into the booth. He read the lyrics in front of him, even though he already knew them and nodded. The background music began. Louis wished that he couldn't sing it, that one of the other boys would be able to step in, but when it was done the sound engineer refused.  
"Hey Harry, wait," Louis called as he caught up with him in the car-park.  
"What?"  
"I'm sorry."  
"For what? For being better than me? You know what Louis, I don't need your sympathy."  
"No I mean-"  
"I get what you mean, but honestly I'm fine."  
"I'm not better than you, and you sure as hell need to remember that."  
"Well today you were."  
"That doesn't matter, everyone has their bad days."  
"Not as bad as that."  
"Harry, are you alright?"  
"I don't want to talk about this right now, okay? I'm sorry." Louis nodded and watched as Harry drove away. he felt a hand on his shoulder.  
"He'll come around," Liam soothed.  
"It's been nearly three months, don't you think it would have happened by now?"  
"He's probably got a lot of on his mind."  
"Yeah, I guess."

~~~

In the end, Liam was right; Harry did have a lot on his mind. But it worse than they would have thought. They just thought he was missing home or something, they never predicted how much was wrong. It wasn't like Louis hadn't noticed. Of course he had noticed. The way Harry would push the food around his plate for five minutes before eating a mouthful. The way he would disappear for five minutes after each meal, and return looking more sickly than before. Louis had to notice these things; he only stared at the boy the entire day. Harry's clothes were getting baggier, his skinny jeans getting skinnier and his eyes getting duller. Louis noticed all these things and somewhere he must have come to the conclusion, but it hadn't come to his brain yet, or maybe he was trying to forget about it and not let it invade his every thought. It was a Saturday when Louis finally pieced it all together. All the boys, including Harry, were over at Liam's watching a movie and eating take-out pizza. Harry had managed to force down two slices before excusing himself to the bathroom. Louis needed it too and was standing outside for about five minutes until he knocked on the door.  
"Harry, you alright?"  
"I'm fine."  
"Well can you hurry up, I'm bursting." Harry fumbled with the lock on the other side until the door was finally open and Louis hurried in. Louis didn't even need to open his eyes to know; the smell of the room was enough. The vile smell of sick encased him. "Shit," he whispered. He thought about it for a while, and how to approach the situation before he himself was being rushed out of the loo. The smell was pretty much gone, and Louis was thankful for that. He opened the door and went downstairs. "Where's Harry?"  
"Wasn't feeling well, went home."  
"Oh. I think I'm going to head back as well."  
"Okay. See you on Monday."  
"Bye." Louis opened the door and sat in his car waiting for it to heat up. He looked through his past conversations with Harry on his phone. There hadn't been a proper one since October, nearly three months ago. They hadn't said I love you since August. Louis didn't know what to do. he started the car and began to drive, not really thinking. He found himself parked outside his and Harry's old apartment, before he was forced out. Not by Harry, but by their management. he lived with Eleanor now, but she was nowhere near as good a room-mate as Harry. They didn't share a bed like he and Harry did. Harry still lived there, and Louis could see a shadow across the wall through an open window. Going against his better judgement, Louis got out of the car and walked up the drive. He knocked on the door and listened as Harry's rushed footsteps came closer. The door opened.  
"Hey."  
"What are you doing here?"  
"Tell me honestly, are you okay?" Harry sighed. That was an answer enough for Louis. "Can I come in?" Harry hesitated before nodding.  
"Not for too long though."  
"I just want to talk."  
"About what?"  
"You."  
"Me? What about me?"  
"What you're doing to yourself."  
"I don't know what you're talking about."  
"Don't lie to me. I understand if you don't want to talk about it, but please don't lie."  
"I can't talk about this with you Louis. I can't."  
"That's okay, we can talk about something else."  
"I'm sorry Louis, I think it's best that you go." Louis nodded and tried to hide the pain.  
"I'll see you on Monday."  
"Yeah, bye." Louis sighed as he shut the door. This wasn't how he wanted it to go. He didn't expect Harry to open up and spill everything out either, but something, anything would have been better than this. He drove home and opened the door to find Eleanor.  
"How was your day?"  
"Shit."  
"Wanna talk about it?"  
"Nope."  
"Okay. Something to do with Harry?"  
"Did I or did I not just say I didn't want to talk about it?"  
"Sorry."  
"Look it's not your fault, I'm just stressed at the moment." That was partly a lie. it was kind of her fault. If she wasn't here, things between him and Harry could have been perfect. They could be happy.  
"Okay." Louis went upstairs and lay in his bed, only thinking of Harry. He took out his phone and scrolled through of more their old conversations. He didn't even notice he was crying. He called Zayn.  
"What's up Louis?"  
"Harry."  
"What about him?"  
"I think I've figured part of it out."  
"And?"  
"It's bad. Like really bad."  
"Go on."  
"I think he's-" Louis was trembling as the word refused to escape his lips.  
"He's what?"  
"He's got an eating disorder."  
"What?"  
"Yeah. He doesn't eat, and when he does, he disappears straight after."  
"You think he's bulimic?"  
"Pretty sure."  
"Shit."  
"Don't tell the other guys. I just needed to tell someone."  
"I won't, how do we talk to him?"  
"I don't know, he doesn't seem very keen on it."  
"We'll find a way." In the end Zayn did talk to him, but barely got anything other than a whisper of 'I'm drowning.' 

~~~

"Louis we need to speak to you."  
"Yeah?"  
"In private." Louis rolled his eyes as he followed a part of his management into another room. Eleanor was in there too.  
"What's going on?"  
"Since Danielle and Liam have broken up, and Zayn and Perrie have been engaged for a while, we need something to happen."  
"Like what?"  
"Something between you two, to gain publicity."  
"Carry on."  
"I'm proposing that you two get engaged."  
"What? You can't be serious right?"  
"I'm always serious."  
"No. I will not propose to her. I'm gay for god's sake, it's hard enough having to pretend to be her boyfriend let alone her fiancé!"  
"Louis, calm down."  
"No I will not fucking calm down! You control every part of my life and I'm fucking sick of it! Why can't me and Harry be together! Why can't I actually go out with the one I love! Why can't the one I love actually be happy!"  
"Louis, sit down, and let me explain."  
"Explain what? How tearing me even further away from Harry will do me good? For fuck's sake he's already fading away as it is!"  
"We've taken into account the situation, but we still believe that it would be the best thing."  
"Yeah? Well you're wrong."  
"Louis."  
"Don't talk to me like that! Like you know what I'm going through! You haven't had to hide away because you're different, and people might not like you for that!"  
"It's the only thing we can do."  
"I know for a fact that's not true. You can let me and Eleanor continue as we are."  
"People will get suspicious."  
"They'll get suspicious anyway! Have you seen everything that's going around?! They already think I'm gay, why can't we just tell them that they're right!"  
"I didn't want it to have to come to this, but no proposal, then you're out."  
"You have to be fucking kidding me. You'll kick me out because I'm gay?!"  
"If you fail to co-operate, then yes, that's what it will come to."  
"You guys are fucking sick."  
"I take that as a yes?"  
"Fine, but we're not going to get married."  
"We'll cross that bridge when we come to it." Louis shook his head, not believing what was happening in front of his eyes. "We need to tell the boys."  
"Shit." Louis didn't mean to say it out loud, or loud enough for everyone to hear.  
"Something wrong."  
"No, apart from the fact the the one I love is gonna be pretty pissed off."  
"Well, he'll have to deal with it."  
"He deals things a bit differently."  
"Well, we're going to have to announce it."  
"Fucking hell."  
"Stop swearing Louis."  
"Control every part of my life then, my speech, my actions, the one I love?"  
"Yes."  
"Fine, I'll go tell them."  
"Good." Louis slammed the door shut behind him and walked to the room where the other four were.  
"What was that about?"  
"I fucking hate them. Hate them all."  
"Hey, calm down Louis, what's going on?" Zayn's hand squeezed his shoulder, trying to comfort him. Louis' eyes met Harry's in a way they hadn't for so long. Without moving his gaze from harry, Louis started to speak.  
"I have no fucking choice in who I choose to love anymore. And it's fucking bullshit."  
"Louis, explain."  
"I have to fucking engage to her."  
"What?"  
"Yeah. That's why I'm on the edge of breaking something." Louis still hadn't pulled his eyes away from Harry.  
"We'll talk to them, we'll sort it out."  
"No, it's either this, or I'm out."  
"Fucking hell."  
"Yeah. Fucking hell."  
"Louis, this is-"  
"Don't. Can you guys give us some privacy?" The three boys nodded and left them alone. "Harry?" Harry's eyes were focused on the floor again. "Harry, please."  
"What?"  
"Can you come and sit beside me?" Harry stood up and lay on the sofa next to him. "I miss you."  
"I know."  
"I can't do this Harry. I can't pretend. I can't engage to her."  
"Louis. I don't know what to say. there's nothing I can do to change their minds, you know how they are."  
"Harry." Louis' arms wrapped around him as a tear fell down his cheek. "I don't know what to do anymore, everything's so different from what I thought it'd be."  
"Don't let go of me Louis."  
"I can't Harry, you know I can't. I'll never let you go." Louis shut his eyes, trying to stop the tears as Harry started to sing.  
Don't let me  
Don't let me  
Don't let me go  
'Cause I'm tired of feeling alone.  
"Fucking hell Harry, this is so bad."  
"I know." There was a knock.  
"Louis? Harry? I'm sorry, but we have to come in."  
"Okay." The boys came in, and didn't even flinch at Louis and Harry's position. Management followed. "What the fuck do you want?"  
"It'd be easier for you to engage with Eleanor if you and Harry had as little contact as possible."  
"No." it wasn't Louis' voice. "No."  
"No?"  
"You heard me. I'm going to spend time with him. He's my fucking boyfriend for god's sake." Louis flinched at the word. Harry hadn't said that to him in almost six months now. "Don't take him away from me, please. Please."  
"Louis, you're going to have to come with us so we can speak about the engagement." Louis wiped his eyes and gave Harry a little thumbs up as he left. Harry tried to smile back but as soon as Louis was out of sight, he buried his head into Niall's chest.  
"I can't do this. I can't do this anymore."  
"Hey, shh, it'll be okay."  
"I love him so much."  
"I know you do. I know you do."  
"I have to go home. I can't deal with this all right now."  
"Harry, don't do anything stupid." Harry nodded, seeming to understand Zayn's words. He knew that pictures of his tear-stained face would be all over Twitter in a matter of hours but he didn't care. He sat in his car while flashes from paparazzi around him filled his eyes. Finally he drove home. He lay in his bed. What if I left? Forever. What if I died? What if? Hundreds of questions ran through his mind. He dialled Louis' phone.  
"Hi."  
"Louis, I'm sorry."  
"What?"  
"I can't do this anymore."  
"Do what?"  
"Everything."  
"Harry, you're scaring me."  
"I'm scaring myself." Harry could hear Louis shouting at management over the phone.  
"Fuck off! It's important! Sorry, Harry, talk to me, what's going on?"  
"It's too much. Everything's too much. I have to go."  
"Go?" At that moment everything seemed to piece together in Louis' mind. he finally got what Harry was trying to say. "Harry? Harry? Keep talking to me. Hold on. I'm coming home now." Harry heard him shouting again.  
"You can't leave Louis."  
"I bloody well can, and you can watch me."  
"Where are you going?"  
"My boyfriend is about to give up, where the fuck do you think I'm going?" Then there was nothing apart from Louis' feet on the ground. "I need to get to my car. Can you all move out the fucking way?" Harry smiled a little at Louis' shouts to the cameras. "Harry? You okay. You still with me?"  
"I'm here, but Louis I'm scared I'm so scared."  
"Me too Harry, but please just hold on."  
"It hurts Louis, it really hurts."  
"What hurts?"  
"Everything."  
"Have you hurt yourself?"  
"I didn't mean to."  
"Fuck, Harry, where?"  
"It's bleeding. A lot. And Louis, everything's fuzzy. It's all so fuzzy."  
"Harry, stay awake for me. I'll be home in two minutes. Stay awake." Louis drove straight through red lights until running out of his car at Harry's house. He forced the door open and saw Harry straight away. "Fuck. Can you hear me Harry?" Harry was motionless on the floor, heartbeat slow. Louis dialled 999 and an ambulance was on its way.

~~~

Harry woke up to blinding pain in his stomach. The light was hurting his eyes. He moved his head to the right and saw Louis, curled up in a ball on the small chair beside him.  
"Louis?" he croaked. Louis jumped.  
"Harry, oh my god you're awake."  
"How long have I been out?"  
"2 days. They've kept you under sedation, just in case."  
"What's happened?"  
"You're all over the news, but no-one's released a statement yet."  
"Can I release a statement?"  
"Not in your current state and management may have something to say about it."  
"I don't give a fuck about them."  
"I love you harry. Don't ever scare me like that again."  
"I won't."  
Harry was out three days later after being under observation.  
"I'm releasing a statement."  
"Did management agree?"  
"I don't care what they say. if they kick me out, well then so be it."  
"I f they kick you out, we're all coming too," Niall smiled.  
"Louis?"  
"Yeah?"  
"Can you do it with me?"  
"Yeah, of course."  
"No I mean, I'm going to talk about you in it. And I want you to talk as well."  
"Yeah. I want to."

~~~

The two boys were standing in front of a crowd of paparazzi, smiling before they gave their little speeches.  
"Harry! Louis!" Shouts from management behind them didn't stop them.  
"You first," Louis smiled.  
"Hi, my name's Harry Styles and I'm gay. I'm sure a lot of you already guessed that. But I'm going to take you on a little journey. In August everything was perfect. I was happy, Louis was happy, the band was happy. Then, come October, I wasn't so happy. Neither was Louis, and therefore the band wasn't either. Me and Louis have been torn apart so much in just these past few months, it hurts to even say. But a few days ago, Louis came to us with some news. News that hit me hard. He was being forced to propose. I couldn't deal with it. So I went home. And I did something that I bloody regret now. I did this." Harry pulled up his shirt, to reveal a three inch scar across his stomach. A unanimous gasp was heard all around the room. "I woke up in hospital ten days ago. And left about a week ago."  
"Hi, my name's Louis Tomlinson and I'm gay. I've been forced to go out on dates with Eleanor who is in fact a beard. It's her job to stop the press speculating about me and Harry. Well it was. Harry and I are very much in love, and a few weeks ago, I was told I either had to propose to her, or leave the band. of course the answer was simple, but it wasn't that simple. Either way something would have gone wrong. I knew Harry was sinking a long time ago, and I knew this would just push him even deeper down, but I had to do it. That night I got a phone call from him, telling me he had given up. I drove home, and took him to hospital."  
"Hi, we're Harry and Louis, and we're in a relationship."

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading :) Kudos and comments are always appreciated


End file.
